Home is where

Down in the doldrums today despite the fact that my morning was moving along swimmingly until the company wide zoom meeting, which never fails to leave me feeling sluggish, fuzzy headed, and glazed over after every department finishes giving their weekly report. I'm supposed to make a concerted effort to work at least four hours today in order to make my minimum output goal, which means that if I start right now I could hope to finish at nearly eight in the evening. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised then at my own resentment boiling up at both the day and myself for not being the sort of person who can rise at six, knock out nearly a full day's worth of output, and finish before everyone's kiddies are done with school. 

Perhaps it would be less onerous if I could somehow manage to make it outdoors for a little while during the day to help justify all of this night work, but instead I wallow and faff about the house all day. Ha. This is a lie. Truth be told all of this faffing is actually cleaning because I refuse to live like an animal in my own home. More resentment then since I am incapable of working in such conditions, but fixing them also makes me incapable of working in the duration. Then too, is the bit where distinctions are blurred domestically as to my availability to do housework like cooking or the Bear's laundry. Because I lack a real home office with a door, I find myself there at the heart of our home, constantly at the mercy of it's upkeep instead of being able to shunt myself into a space where my only docket belongs to the tasks for which I get paid. 

My neighbors think I should get a helper for the domestic stuff. However, I deeply loathe the idea of letting anyone else clean my home since it is a task in which I take great pride in, allows me to better remember the places in which I store all of our things, and helps me feel any sense of accomplishment whatsoever. Visible results happen every time you take up a vacuum, pick up a sponge, or dust off surfaces. It is catharsis in motion. Add in an audiobook, and the tasks become almost a meditation where your soul runs free with the words that flow through the speakers. Another problem with the concept of hiring a cleaner is again the centrality of my work desk. There is no possibility of another person being able to come in and clean around me without it becoming as much of a distraction as cleaning myself. If only I could get out of cooking, that might be the biggest time sink. In a way, we've tried working around this before by merely ordering delivery incessantly. It gets old fast. It also tends to add inches to the waistline. I'm still paying for those decisions. 

A few months back, the Bear and I toured some homes in the area because my need for an actual office was getting really out of hand. This was a poor decision since it nearly have the poor man an ulcer. The problem with home buying is that the temptation to find something which might be a forever home is much higher than when seeking a rental. For our anticipated needs, the buying market is out of the question, nevermind the fact that we desperately want to move back to Boston in the near-ish future, and buying a home in Tejas would only create firmer roots here from which to wrench ourselves. Quite the conflict. There's not much of a solution. 

I've looked a bit into trying to move my work station into a WeWork station, or even into one of the rooms in our apartment building's business center. More failures. I lack a sturdy enough regimen, or even adequately enough placed incentive to create a regimen aside from my own misery. Heading to the office was a wonderful way to ensure regular working hours and behaviors. The escape from home was fluent, respected, and expected. Artificially developing these expectations is beyond the limits of my imagination. There is only so long you can sit in skirt and hose within your own home before the need to get into comfy clothes overrides everything. There's also no one waiting to see or judge me at an artificial outside office.

I'll be looking forward to my doctor appointment next week for my attention disorder. Hopefully that will help clear up one element at least. Every little bit helps.

Time to get my timer going. 

Slán a chara