Half a cup down

 

It's been a decent morning. I've got half a cup of coffee down and my mind has been churning all morning, sometimes slowly with the sluggishness of the newly woken, and then with fits and bursts as I half form notions of my focuses today and internal feedback on the reading I selected to accompany my morning brew. 

A good example would be first worrying about how much work will be done when I am already behind on schedule for showing and actual working, then worries for making time for knitting club before noon. In alignment with this is the fuss over whether I have even found this club to be additive or subtractive to my lifestyle. I have made a few friends at this gathering, one of them even as recently as last week. Others though, seem to grate on my every nerve and I frequently have left the meeting feeling a bit more worse for the wear. A bit of a Catch 22, but I'll went anyways, even if I sort of dreaded it, and even if it did put me further in arrears on my work schedule. Oddly, today was a bit nice at group and I left feeling like I was part of a nice circle of crafters. Now part of me questions where exactly my problems used to lay beforehand. This will bear more contemplation later.

Another would be the article posted on a Facebook group this morning by The Order of the Good Death, a website run by funeral directors and morticians, about Death and Stuff. What synchronicity, as Jung would say. This topic has been a running theme concerning my efforts to help both my parents and my husbands' parents navigate their living situations in the past year. I am glad that we are facing these issues a bit now instead of down the road whilst also battling grief and possibly resentment or guilt for having "allowed" this to happen. The subject of allowance in this matter is somewhat contentious however, since every person is entitled to live however they please. I keep hoping that the method I am using for this process is something which enables those I care about to live fully, without feeling deprived, despite removing the things they have collected. I hope too that they do not feel as though I am forcing a lifestyle on them against their will. 

I've thought of myself increasingly over the years as a bit of a minimalist, I suppose this has much to do with my incessant need to have clean surfaces, my loathing of clutter, and the feelings of vindication I felt when comparing my homes to that of others who must constantly step over and around things to get on with their daily life. However, as I read, I realized that lately, especially this past month, that my habits have not quite aligned well with these ideals. Reduction being the most overlooked of “the three Rs” and the only one that really matters, the author states, has me giving a bit of of an Ohhh moment. 

Why have I been constantly buying myself things? I can say at least that I have also been removing items as I find replacements, but in the scope of the three Rs: Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, I feel a bit of a failure. Replace is not exactly part of the equation, although I think if it was, there would perhaps be more of a focus on how to combat consumerism instead of constant buy, buy, buy. Where is my intentionality? Are the trappings of an affluent and photo ready lifestyle really justification for all of this constant spending? How is replacing all of my items with the new a worthwhile endeavor? 

A good example of this is my resolution to overhaul my wardrobe. I've made a recent commitment to myself to stop wearing colors. As I continue on my little weight loss journey back to my natural size, I want to reward myself and encourage a sense of style again. It has been a long time since I have cultivated something that could be termed a real sense of fashion. The all black monochrome look is something I find beautiful, stylish, and comforting. And yet, instead of truly committing to utilizing what I already have, or even removing all of the items that no longer align with my goals, I just shove them further back into the closet in case I change my mind, and buy new things. Not exactly ideal. 

However, that's enough musing for now. Time to get cracking with the workstuff.